Guilt & Wit

Stuff buying ban update

2011-01-12T01:15:00.000-08:00

Well it’s been… crap has it really been 11 days? It’s been 11 days since I started my “stuff buying ban” and I thought I’d give a little accountability update.

I’ve managed to stick to it for the most part. I very nearly bought some MP3’s the other day, but I stopped myself. Instead I just downloaded to my laptop a few songs that I had already paid for but never even downloaded. That being the case I think it’s obvious I shouldn’t be buying music- even if the site I buy it from tents to only charge 9 or 15 cents a song… if I’m not even downloading everything I buy, or listening to it for that matter… good call, adding music to the list.

I’ve managed to not buy books, but that comes from not allowing myself to go to book stores, the main problem in my book-buying addiction. I’ve been trying to read more over break as well. After the recent Harry Potter movies came out I decided to re-read the series, and I’ve just finished Prisoner of Azkaban- easily my favorite of the series. I had forgotten how well-crafted and delicious a novel the third HP book was. I mean, they’re all good, but I’d say that Prisoner of Azkaban is Rowling’s masterpiece: not only is she telling her best story, she’s also telling it with the most skill. The fourth book and on felt rushed, which I know they were, and the first two you can tell she was still learning. Really solid work, though, and they remain on my list of favorite books of all time for sure.

I’ve managed not to buy DvD’s, though Social Network was released today and I really want it. I’ve convinced myself to wait for my birthday on that one, anyway. I’ve been doing a great job with not buying clothes or toys or school supplies- yesterday I found a notebook from a semester or two ago, and I pulled out the pages with writing on it, kept what I thought would be useful, threw the rest away, and ended up with a thick enough notebook to not have to buy one like I usually do before each semester. So that’s nice.

The only thing that’s been rough has been fast food. I have managed to avoid places with drive-throughs entirely, but I realized not long after making this deal that not eating fast food causes me to spend more, not less, on food when I’m out of the house. Whenever I have work to do for the movie, which we do in the lab at my school, fast food is the cheap option for eating around campus, cheaper than eating on campus or at a real restaurant.

It’s hard to tell how much of a difference this is making in my spending because I never had real figures on how much I had been spending before, and I’ve been doing a larger portion of the grocery shopping for my house than usual, so I feel like it evens out, but perhaps to good effect. If I continue this into February, I might have to rethink the fast food vs. restaurants idea. It’s clear that eating at “real restaurants” is much more expensive. But is it better for me than the drive-through? Maybe not even.

Resolve to be Resolute.

2010-12-31T23:13:00.000-08:00

In the month of January 2011
Gloria Adams-Hanley will not buy stuff.
• I will not buy books unless they are for school, because I have over 50 books on my shelves that I already do not have enough time to read.
• I will not buy Sylvia toys, because Sylvia has more than enough already.
• I will not buy fast food because it is unhealthy and expensive.
• I will not buy makeup because I rarely wear it, and it is usually destroyed by Sylvia before I’ve gotten my money’s worth.
• I will not buy DvD’s because I have all I need to watch.
• I will not buy memberships to websites because between WoW and Netflix, I am paying already as much as I wish to for entertainment.
• I will not buy music on the internet because I already have hours and hours of music on my computer and ipod, and if I want to listen to something new I have Pandora for free.
• I will not buy gadgets because I have enough to entertain myself with as it is.
• I will not buy school supplies because I have things around the house that I can reuse.
• I will not buy anything that will not make my life measurably better.

however,

• I will buy groceries for my family.
• I will buy the books I need for my classes.
• I will buy experiences that enrich my life or make me feel happy, such as tickets to experience a movie in the theatre, a pedicure to help my hurting feet, or dental service for my teeth, etc.
• I will buy gas for my car.
• I will buy memberships I have already bought, such as keeping my WoW subscription active, as well as my Netflix and MyFoodDiary subscriptions.
• I will buy, no more than once a week, a freebirds burrito. This one burrito does not count against my fast food ban.

Why are you doing this, Green?

Check out Kyeli's Book and Other Stuff Buying Ban at the Connection Revolution.

Ok, but why are YOU doing this, Green?

I suck at New Year's Resolutions. A year is a long time for me to promise myself I'm not going to do something, and especially if I promise myself I'm going to do or not do something really vague like "In 2011 I'll exercise more." Or "From now on I'll keep my room clean." These things won't happen. Self Awareness tells me that "from now on" or "for the rest of the year" does not work for me. Kyeli's bans are for all year, and I wish her luck. But the reason I failed at NaNoWriMo is that I get overwhelmed and I quit. So while I'd love to have a ban from now until the end of December... getting to the end of January will be hard enough.

We'll see how it goes.

Wish me luck.

NaNoWriMo: an Invocation

2010-11-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

Here's a poem/prayer for all you wrimos out there. Just my way of cheering you on. :)

Write what you know. Write what you knew. Write what you’ve done. Write where you’ve been. Write what you’ve seen, what you’ve heard, what you’ve touched. Write who you are. Write what you believe. Write what you know but could never believe. Write what hurts you to think about. Write what makes you laugh every time you think about it. Write what makes you cry. Write what makes you think. Write what you know.

Write what you don't know. Write what makes you have doubts. Write what you wish you knew. Write what you wish the world was like. Find out what's wrong with that world. Write a way to fix it. Write what makes you think that we're doomed. Write a way to fix it. Write what makes you despair. Write a way to fix it. Write a maze. Get stuck for days. Write a way out. Write your way into a corner. Write your way out. Write what you think is impossible. Write what you think is impossible to write. Write what you don’t know.

Write the most beautiful things you’ve ever imagined. Write the most beautiful you ever felt. Write the first thing that makes you smile in the morning. Write the last thing that makes your heart jump before sleeping. Write the things you’ve imagined but could never make happen. Write the things you’ve planned and never had the means to do. Write the beautiful things in the world you want to see, write the beautiful things in the world you see every day. Write everything you see or think or remember that’s beautiful.

Write things that make you doubt your own sanity. Write things that make you doubt your genius. Write things that make you lose faith in humanity. Write the ugliest things you've seen. Write the things that shock you, write the things that shook you, write the things that left you lying flat on your back with the air knocked out of your lungs gasping for breath. Write the things you should have done, write the things you could have done, write the things you would have done if only you knew then what you know now.

Write a way to make it work, write a way to make amends, write a way to re-write history. Write a way to come to your own rescue and I promise you, promise you, that if you can do all this, that you will find out you have done the impossible. Write a way to overcome your fears, write a way to overcome your doubts, write a way to overcome your issues and I promise you, promise you, that when you read what you have written, that you will have done just that.

Literacy is the Most Direct Route to Freedom (Links Edition)

2010-09-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

Hey! I’m having a super-busy day and didn’t get a chance to write up a blog, but I thought I’d provide some links to great information on banned books and other people working to raise awareness.

http://www.bannedbooksweek.org/

http://www.ala.org/ala/issuesadvocacy/banned/bannedbooksweek/index.cfm

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/29/the-11-most-surprising-ba_n_515381.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Banned_Books_Week

http://www.banned-books.com/

Literacy is the Most Direct Route to Freedom (part 2)

2010-09-28T22:12:00.000-07:00

It's banned book week! I thought I'd celebrate by reviewing some banned or challenged books this week by writing reviews of them here in my dusty old blog. I'll try to get you five by the end of the week. Today I’ll talk about The Giver, a book I read for the first time and in one sitting this weekend. It’s been on the list of high-frequency challenged books for over a decade now, and was number 11 on ALA’s list of “Most Banned Books of the 1990’s.”

I firmly believe that everyone should read a dystopian novel at least once a year. I never feel more appreciative of the beauty of human life, nor more aware of the danger of losing it than when I have recently polished off a really good dystopia.

Like many Dystopias, the Community in The Giver is presented first as a peaceful utopia: main character Jonas is brimming with anticipation waiting to take his place in the Community, a place where there is no pain or suffering, where families are by definition nuclear. The best word I can think of to describe the community in the first half of the novel is sterile. Everything is perfectly planned, everything is accounted for, prepared for, and perfected by years of such attention to detail.

And then Jonas receives his placement: he has been chosen to be the “Receiver of Memory,” a mysterious position filled by one member of the community at a time. He becomes the apprentice to the old, fragile former Receiver, and he literally receives- telepathically- all the memories of generations of humans, including memories that precede the creation of the Community. Only then do certain facts about his world become apparent- 94 pages into the book I felt hit with a brick, realizing that I hadn’t noticed something painfully obvious about the rhetoric in the novel. As a writer I am inspired beyond telling at what Lowry achieved in this revelation.

Jonas, now aware of the possibility of raw human emotion, sees his world for what it is, and alone of his generation realizes what his people have given up to live the way they do. The book is a testament to the dangerous implications of trading potential happiness for guaranteed comfort.

So why is it so-often banned? It seems to have been challenged or banned primarily in middle schools, and the causes of these bans tends to be “unsuitable to age group” due to suicide and euthanasia. Personally, I disagree with the notion that these ideas are inappropriate for 13-14 year old students. I’ll point you to some statistics at http://www.familyfirstaid.org/suicide.html which I feel show that suicide is already an issue for pre-teens. If we want to reduce teen suicide, we need to make efforts to talk about what suicide is, what it means, how to survive the impulse. Reading and talking about books like “The Giver” could be a way to start those conversations without the worry of singling out at-risk students.

I personally feel that The Giver is appropriate for most students 12+, and is an excellent introduction to the idea of dystopia. I feel it is also an excellent resource for educators: the book can be used to discuss point of view, narrator bias, the difference between a society’s view of right and wrong and a more philosophical view of right and wrong, and the value of free choice. If I were to use it in the classroom I’d also view it as an excellent resource for teaching students how to mine a text for clues about what kind of world a character lives in: the revelation and de-layering of the society in the book is masterful. In fact, that’s the word I think I’d use for the book as a whole: masterful.

A side note for writers: The Giver won Lois Lowry her second Newbery award, and her acceptance speech available online here is one of the most profound resources I’ve ever read on inspiration and the life one leads as a creator of art. Check it out!

Literacy is the Most Direct Route to Freedom (Part 1)

2010-09-27T09:36:00.000-07:00

It's banned book week! I thought I'd celebrate by reviewing some banned or challenged books this week by writing reviews of them here in my dusty old blog. I'll try to get you five by the end of the week. First up is "The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big Round Things" by Carolyn Mackler. I first read this book back in High School. I was a little older than main character Virginia, but we were going through the same things; weight issues, intimacy issues, trust issues, and a crumbling family life. Suffice it to say, this book has a very special place in my heart. When I found out it was one of ALA's most-challenged books of the last year, I can't say I was surprised, but I was definitely disappointed.

In The Earth, my Butt, and Other Big Round Things, protagonist and narrator Virginia Shreves tells a story of transformation from an unhappy, fat, fifteen year old girl to an empowered young woman. And here’s the catch: she makes this transformation without losing the fat. In fact, her attempts at dieting cause most of the heartache of the story for her, and only after she gives up on crash-dieting do things start looking up for her. The 2003 book tackles issues important to young, contemporary girls like eating disorders, emerging sexuality, and what happens when we see the darker side of a former idol. For these very reasons the book has been the source of some controversy, ending up as one of the top ten banned books of 2009 on ala’s website.

As the book opens, Virginia is having one of her first pre-sexual experience. Her pseudo-boyfriend is making his first attempts to feel her up under her shirt. If this isn’t enough to give a conservative reader pause, Virginia’s self-loathing soon takes center stage as we learn that she is overweight, unhappy about her body, and overshadowed by her perfect, beautiful, thin family. She writes a list she calls the “fat girl code of conduct” which stipulates that young women who are overweight don’t deserve real relationships, and in fact are bound by society to be secretly promiscuous to get attention from boys, without feeling the right to demand relationships out of fear that the attention will be cut off if they are required to be seen in public with a “fat girl.”

As the story continues, Virginia overhears the popular girls talking about how hot her older brother is and how unattractive she is by comparison. Less than five chapters in it is clear that this narrator has no self esteem and is fairly depressed about her life. When her older brother is accused of rape, her world spins upside down. She previously idolized her brother and cannot believe what he is being accused of. To escape the stress of her family life she visits a friend in another state, where she gets her eyebrow pierced. This is the first step to accepting herself and seeing herself as powerful and in control. She goes on to change her wardrobe and dye her hair bright purple.

There is a lot about the story that could be considered inappropriate and offensive to young audiences, but these are precisely the sections of the book that ring most true. The book has been banned for being inappropriate for young audiences, for sexual references, and for discussing sexual abuse. But having read the book, I feel that these subjects are dealt with in an appropriate way, and in fact are the kind of subjects young girls need to be educated on. Virginia is a heroine because she finds herself, finds pride in herself without starving herself or otherwise doing harm to her person. She does a few unorthodox things that parents might not want to see their kids doing like piercing eyebrows and dying hair purple, but the way taking control of her body empowers her is so transformative and enlightened an idea for a YA novel, that I feel banning this book is to ban the idea that young women don’t have to conform or behave to be human. The message of this book is so valuable, and so tied to the very things about it which are controversial, that I feel it should be celebrated rather than banned.

It has, indeed, been celebrated. The Earth, My Butt, and other Big Round Things has been included on ALA’s Best Book for Young Adults list, the YALSA top ten list, been a nominee or finalist for dozens of book awards, and when it was banned in Caroll County Maryland a petition of over 350 teenagers demanded it be returned to their high school bookshelves. The impact of Mackler’s book is far-reaching. Rather than banning or challenging this book, I applaud it for tackling difficult and real issues that young women face. I would encourage any young woman in crisis over her weight to read and look for inspiration in Mackler’s The Earth, My Butt, and other Big Round Things.

Too overwhelmed to update, so here's an update about being overwhelmed.

2010-09-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

I live a dangerous life. Not one of mile-high obstacles, g-force travel or jumping off buildings or bridges suspended by elastic- not that kind of dangerous. Not that kind of danger. But I do live a life that could be potentially dangerous to myself.

I basically have two emotional modes with very little grey-area between them: bored and overwhelmed. The line between these two settings is dangerously thin, and I’ve never been much of a tightrope walker. I’m far too easily bored, and so I pile on more and more responsibility, more and more projects or classes or opportunities, until I cross that line and the water comes rushing in. The floodgates open and suddenly I can’t tell up from down.

I don’t have a solution for this yet. In fact, I’m swirling in a swimming pool of overwhelm now. It’s a pattern, a destructive pattern and I know it. What I don’t know is how to fix it. How to be interested in my life without the constant danger of it all caving in on me.

Hard Bargain Production: Week One

2010-06-26T23:28:00.000-07:00

Last night marked a momentous occasion for myself and for Guilty Witness Productions: we wrapped week one of our first film. As I celebrated with my Co-Producer and Director, Skylar Landsee, and two of our actors, Josean and Lora, we watched some of the footage from this week and talked about how cool it was to be really doing this. We're making a movie. I thought it would be fun to go through the week and talk about what we managed to accomplish and what stumbling blocks we encountered.

Monday was the first day of shooting, a night shoot in my livingroom and backyard. There were a million things to do before we could start: last minute costume issues, arranging make-up for the cast, and setting up the location. For many people involved in the production, it was the first day of actual responsibility, the first time some of our technical staff had even met some of our actors. The shoot went late into the night. As scenes in the movie go, it was the most chaotic, lending itself to the learning process of "first day of filming." Since it was a party scene, actors invited friends to be extras.

It was to our tremendous luck that a certain TJ Mendenhall showed up to be an extra and impressed us with his lighting knowledge. Since we're a lower budget film, we planned on relying on source lighting and basic lamps, but after an hour TJ was turning our basic lamps into a much more functional display. For day 2, he even showed up with his own lighting system, LED and stage lights that will enhance our production value significantly. Monday was also our first day with our sound guy, Justin, who is a wonderful contributor not only in terms of sound, but also the ideas and suggestions he has for our actors. Our director of photography, Tim Stafford, is new to the camera, but caught on quickly, getting some great shots. All in all it was a profoundly successful first day.

Tuesday was our second day, also a party sequence, although this sequence had much more dialouge and is much more central to the emotional weight of the film. If Monday was our first chance to see what our tech could really do, Tuesday was the day we tested our actors, who rose to the occasion profoundly. Tuesday’s sequence (referred in pre-production as “Betrayal”) focuses on the disolving relationships of the two main characters of the film. For one character there is a fight, and for the other there is only silence. I was impressed with all four of our young actors: Lora Blackwell, Ben Sands, Mitch Harris, and Josean Rodriguez. TJ impressed us once more with his lighting equipment and proficiency. As we shot the end of the sequence, we were all reminded once more why casting Ben and Lora as our leads was the right decision; at 17 and 18, they both have maturity and emotional depth as actors that forshadows bright futures.

Wednesday morning was an early shoot; we only had sound until noon and had several hours’ worth of shooting to get in the can. We were on the St. Edward's campus which was beautiful and easy to work with. We'd like to thank the University Police Department for allowing us to shoot and for having such a great attitude about us being there. We were lucky to have the location; the St. Edward's campus is one of the most beautiful gems of Austin. We shot a scene with Mitch Harris and Ben Sands that after a few issues finding electrical outlets and getting sound working produced some truly wonderful footage. We then set out for our second location and our first major roadbump: we were not allowed to use that location. We lost some time and some footage, but within two hours we had found a different location, worked out a re-schedule, and moved on to filming the final scene of the film. While discouraging, we’re certain that the new location will actually be better.

That evening we set off to film “the picnic scene” with Josean and Lora and ended up getting so much good footage we’re not sure how it can be edited down to how short the scene is in the film. The two have such great chemistry and the location was so beautiful that we could not have been more encouraged by the magic of what we shot. Not only that, but we were provided with an excellent surprize dinner from our location owner, Brandi Willis. Despite the roadbumps we encountered Wednesday, it was a highly productive day with a wonderfully uplifting end.

Friday evening finished out our first week. We shot at Genuine Joe Coffeehouse on Anderson Ln in Austin. If you havn’t been, I suggest it. They have a fabulous cinnamon walnut bread I suggest, wonderfully “Austin-weird” décor, and a great attitude; the staff was quite helpful and despite the fact that it was very warm in our reserved room (we needed the AC unit off so the mic didn’t pick up the sound) we managed to get the most stressful scene in the film done in only about three hours. At this point I need to thank Safaa, Linda and Daniel who played the “friends” in the coffee shop and party scenes. They were real sports about the heat and the time commitment, and I feel lucky to have had them involved.

All in all this week has served to remind me what great company I am in. Special thanks to Angelina Adams, Tessa Morrison, Marina Neil, Ashlee Willis, as well as Elaine Blackwell, Paulette Rodriguez, Priscilla Landsee, and Brandi Willis, without whom we would not have been able to accomplish what we have this week. We are blessed by the people who have dedicated themselves to us, who have believed in us, supported us, and made our dream their dream. Two more weeks to go in the production stage, and I am more enthusiastic than ever.

To receive a copy of the script, volunteer to be involved with the production, or make a donation of any size to help this script become a movie, please e-mail us at hardbargain (dot) thefilm (at) gmail (dot) com

Thank You.

Hard Bargain, The Film

2010-05-16T02:20:00.000-07:00

For nearly four years I have wanted to make Hard Bargain a reality. When Skylar Landsee brought the outline of the story to me, I was instantly excited. At first, it was his story and I was simply helping him work out the kinks in the outline. Then I wrote a few scenes. Then Skylar moved and the project fell apart, surfacing every few months and falling apart again. But we kept coming back to it. Every time we’d discuss making a movie, or what we wanted to do with our summer, Hard Bargain would be mentioned. We passed the same binder back and forth for three years before finally, in early 2010, Skylar gave me the outline and I wrote the script. In March of 2010 when we had a first draft, it was a culmination of years of processing, thinking, and waiting. But now, the wait is over. In the summer of 2010, Hard Bargain will become a reality.

It’s not hard to pinpoint why this story was the one we stuck with. Both Skylar and I are interested in personal relationships, political hot-button issues, and the difficulty of choices. As Skylar explained the concept once, “it’s about things that happen when you’re a teenager. Things like being gay, or being pregnant. Things you might want to tell your parents about. But what if you couldn’t tell them? What if you didn’t trust them to love you if you did tell them? Who do you tell?” I can’t speak for Skylar, but for me the story really came together when we started seeing it not as a story about issues, but instead as a love story: a story about two siblings who start out indifferent to each other, and after surviving a rotten situation together finally forge a real friendship.

The last thing I want anyone to say after seeing the film is that it’s too political. I have done my best in writing the script not to preach as to the rights or wrongs of abortion and homosexuality. I believe I have approached the topics in a matter-of-fact way; these things do happen. The only political statement I hope to make in the script is that the politicizing of these issues only serves to hurt the lives of those it involves. Rather than making a statement that abortion is wrong or right, I wish to make a statement that it happens, and that the women who make that decision are not monsters, but people who need care and compassion. Debating the morality and legality of their actions heals no one.

This is why I think Catherine and Clyde’s stories are compelling; they do not concern themselves with the political, or even the moral. They concern themselves with what is right for them, and in the end even doing what is right becomes less important than doing what is quiet. While I do not want to point fingers at religion or conservatism, I do mean to imply that supporting rules and regulations instead of supporting people and relationships is a failing strategy. I believe that one of the most "christian" things you can do is love and support someone even if they're doing something you think is horrible.

Many people will ask what the title of Hard Bargain means. The hard bargain is this: two young adults perceive the dynamic of their family to be that in order to receive love they must hide their identity and their situation. More simply: lie about who you are, and I will love you. This is, in my estimation, not only a hard bargain, but an unacceptable bargain. Unfortunately, it is one faced by thousands of young people around the world. Fit in, or you will be unloved. Obey, or you will be unloved. The problem of Hard Bargain is not caused by religion, by homosexuality, or by abortion. The problem of Hard Bargain is caused by a lack of acceptance. While the character of Liam ultimately breaks Clyde’s heart, I think he makes the boldest, most moral statement of anyone in the film: “I’m not going to help you lie. Not about who you are.”

This is the message I hope viewers take from Hard Bargain. This is the story I’m trying to tell – the cheese at the end of the tunnel: be who you are, share who you are. For the first time in two character’s lives they share themselves with their sibling and because of that they can get through the hardest, most horrible events of their young lives. Because they share their secrets, they don’t have to go through it alone. For four years I came back to Hard Bargain, knowing I had to tell that story but not understanding why until after I finally had. If you take anything from Hard Bargain, take this.

To receive a copy of the script, volunteer to be involved with the production, or make a donation of any size to help this script become a movie, please e-mail us at hardbargain (dot) thefilm (at) gmail (dot) com

Thank You.

If You Plan on Staying In, These Songs are For You.

2010-04-06T22:35:00.000-07:00

A review of Quiet Company's May 11, 2010 release,
Songs for Staying In

(my husband wants me to tell you he likes the cover art.)

Last August, I wrote an unsolicited, glowing review of Quiet Company’s second album, “Everyone You Love Will be Happy Soon.” So when Paul (the band’s manager) asked for reviews of their new EP, I was quick to step up. If I can contribute in any small part to these guys getting hype for their new music, I’ll put forth the effort. These guys are phenomenally talented and deserve all the attention they can get.

Songwriter/Frontman Taylor Muse wrote in his blog recently that the songs on this EP are love songs that weren’t good enough to make it onto the last album but that were good enough for people to hear. I think he’s selling these songs short; while the EP is a short collection of sweet love songs, there is a gentleness and a timelessness to each song- specifically the lyrics. Each song on the album is extremely relatable and will give your heartstrings a tug.

How Do You Do It?
I have been anxiously waiting for this song to be released. I’d heard it twice live, and so it has been stuck in my head since February. Here Muse reveals his Beatles influence, delivering that perfect balance of “catchy” and “timeless” that most musicians never achieve. One thing to note about this song and the EP in general is that Quiet Company is making great use of vocal and choral harmonies. I can also attest to the fact that this song is just as awesome live.

Things You Already Know
Of the songs on the EP I hadn’t already heard, this is probably my favorite. There’s a very retro feel to the way the song opens, like it’s coming out of an antique radio. In the video released this Monday the band revealed that this vocal track with effect was a last minute addition and Paul was not a fan at first. Clearly Taylor has better judgment than Paul because it’s awesome. In the video, Taylor says that this song has the best production on the EP, and I’d have to agree. It’s quickly becoming one of my favorite Quiet Company songs.

Hold My Head Above The Water
Long story short, this song will definitely be played at my wedding. I’m not sure what higher praise I can give it. This song is as close to perfection in a love song as I’ve ever heard. Muse’s wife, Leah sings harmony with him on this track and the only way to describe their voices together is “hypnotic.” The song is simple both lyrically and musically which allows the vocal properties to shine. The song is smooth, tender, and effortless. If you can listen to this song without getting sentimental then you are definitely a robot. You should get that checked out.

Jezebel or 'A Song For My Friend About That Whore He Dated'
How do you not love a song with a title like that? The tone of this song is entirely different from the rest of the album: a little harder, a little louder, a little more bare. The turn from “I’m leaving” to “come back to me” is heartbreakingly familiar to anyone who has ever loved a dirtbag. The band has stated that they aren’t going to translate most of the EP into live performance, which is a shame. This song would rock live.

If You Want
In my last review I remarked on how cinematic some of Quiet Company’s songs are, and I think this song is a great new example of that. I can see this song being a great addition to a movie soundtrack. Not only that, but this is a perfect “slow dance” song. The poetry of the line “I shudder to think of all the horrible things I could be if I'd never have held you” breaks my heart. The ending of this song is incredibly moving, and the percussion driving through the song is perfectly executed.

The Biblical Sense of the Word
This is a gorgeous track. I’m a sucker for a good piano song and this is a great piano song. It reminds me of the best of “Everyone You Love…;” in my review of that album I made the statement that what won me over about Quiet Company was the lyrics, and this is a great example of why. Muse stated on his formspring recently that his most deeply held belief is that Love is transformative and beautiful. This song is a perfect manifesto for that belief. “We make our lives worth living when we love each other.” Indeed.

So that’s the EP. I loved it. You will too. Go to www.quietcompanymusic.com where every week they’re releasing a song from the EP as well as a video of them chatting about that week’s song. Listen. Watch. If you have good taste you’ll fall head over heels in love with them instantly. After that you’ll want to pre-order the EP, which will get you all the songs in a digital download right away. After that you’ll want to go to their May 7th EP release concert at Encore in Austin.

I’ve been a fan of Quiet Company since 2007 and I’ve stayed a loyal and active fan for two reasons: 1) they are amazing musicians 2) they are amazing people. It is truly a joy being their fan. But don’t listen to me… listen to their music.

Quest Completed: Achievement unlocked: 40 days wow-free

2010-03-31T16:17:00.000-07:00

So I gave up WoW for lent. Really, I wanted to see what it would be like to quit playing for a month or so, and calling it lent would give me a support system of my mom keeping me honest about not playing. I blogged in February about Lent, and how I think it’s good to give things up. Easter is this Sunday, which means I’ve made it about 37 days through Lent- not to mention the two weeks before Lent that I had pretty much stopped playing. So I thought I’d check in and see how it went.

The effect quitting WoW had on me was about equivalent to quitting raiding. I had a few more free nights because I wasn’t devoting those periods of time to the game. But here’s the thing: about the same amount of time was spent doing other “chill time” things. I started chatting more with friends on Facebook. I spent a little more time reading web comics. Also, I realized how much my WoW time was also spent watching TV. My mom and I watch a fair amount of TV, and without WoW I spent that time just watching the show, or fiddling around with the internet while watching TV.

The few days where I got home and went straight to bed without hanging out and decompressing I ended up burning out quicker than usual. So maybe WoW isn’t the problem. Maybe there is no problem. Maybe I just need a certain amount of time to hang out and chill and I’m going to take it. I can’t say I’ve had more trouble getting things done than is reasonable for my course load. The only real time crunch is getting all the 9-5 stuff in, and I never played WoW at that time, anyway.

So there it is. I wanted to quit to see if/how it changed things. It really didn’t. So there’s the lesson. I don’t have to be 100% efficient. I’ve been expecting a lot of myself lately. I’m taking 18 hours of classes at St. Edward’s University, I have a 30 hour crew component to one class, and two teaching internships at local area schools. So long as I’m getting all of that done, I can afford to spend a little time dancing in front of the bank of Dalaran.

While the experiment was useful, I don’t think I’m going to quit for good. Ultimately, I was worried it was taking too much time from my already overrun schedule. But I think it’s ok. The distance was good for perspective, but other than that giving it up wasn’t a big deal at all. So I guess I’ll keep playing so long as I’m having fun.

I'm excited.. expect spme all caps.

2010-02-25T13:10:00.000-08:00

In addition to having the BEST BIRTHDAY'S EVE EVER I am now having the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.

Eve:
Got my car legal and MINE. I now drive a station wagon.
My scene in Performance went so very well!
Cupcake party with my St. Ed's friends.
Quiet Company concert with a NEW SONG YAY
Finally got to meet the lovely Leah Muse who was wearing the coolest shoes ever.
My mom conspired to have the best present OF MY LIFE waiting for me at home. Pics later.

Birthday!
I woke up to a HUGE bundle of flowers with a tag that completed Joshua's Birthday countdown sentence: "I need you like oxygen" *melt*
Krispy Kreme Donut in bed!
Long Hot shower where there was enough hot water!
Made caterpillars out of bananas in my first class of the day (Education class activity)
Made amazing strides in tutoring Hsa at the middle school and felt like a REAL TEACHER!
Got brownies to share with my last classes of the day
Got a badass parking spot on campus (THIS NEVER HAPPENS)

Also? The weather is my absolute perfect ideal day.

Birthday MAGIC.

To conclude I will be singing karaoke with all of my favorite people at Shooters Blue on 620. I'll get there between 9:30 and 10 and we'll have a cupcake cake. Be there if you can. I'll be happy to see you.

Thinking About God on a Rainy Day

2010-02-02T12:28:00.000-08:00

This was a comment left on another blog, but I felt the need to put it here, to keep it visible for myself. This is the kind of thing that I try to gloss over with my family, but it's not worth it to hide. It's important to work through. I've forgotten a lot about the time in my life where faith was a struggle and not a comfort. I've entered a place of calm agnosticism, where I find the existence of God equally possible and impossible. I can feel that kind of peace only because I made it through the times when the absence of God in my life made me want to die. I've often been jealous of people I know who are certain of the existence of their God. They seem so comforted by it. I never was. Like an absent father or an abusive spouse, I felt the absence of God more keenly than I ever felt his presence.

Comment left on Taylor Muse's Blog: (with minor spelling errors fixed)

The hardest time in my life to live through was when I was trying to make -my life- make sense through the lens of the religion I'd been brought up with. Things didn't start looking up until I gave up trying to make my life meaningful in light of the fact that I had never "felt the presence of God" - which at the time made me feel with 100% certainty that I was going to hell.

As soon as I stopped believing that true love could only come from someone who refused to even talk to me (God) I started to be capable of loving myself, of loving anyone. Depending on God for love (which I never felt) led to the most unsatisfying, painful, dangerous place I've ever been in emotionally.

It makes me laugh when people say they got saved by Jesus because losing my faith was the thing that saved me from a terrifying place, where doubting God existed meant doubting I would ever really feel loved.

Instead, I discovered love was already there in my life. Recently my mom asked me how I get through the hardest times in my life not knowing that God loves me. What I told her was "You love me, that's enough" but what I didn't tell her was that God's "love" was never enough for me. Hers was.

Today, before I even read the post that inspired this comment, I wrote a poem which I titled, "An Atheist Sees the Face of God in Music" which is not meant to be a universal claim, but the description of the event. The poem does not mention God except in title, but it describes a feeling of perfect euphoria felt by being in the audience of a rock concert. For dramatic effect the girl in the poem crowd surfs, though I never have and do not wish to. I gave the poem this title because that's how I feel when I listen to music, the same way people at church seem to feel when they raise their hands and wobble back and forth during a sermon. I've never felt that way in church but in a concert hall I feel it nearly every time, if the music is good.

There's a part of me that has never understood why anyone needs God when the world is full of Music and Love.

I'm a control freak; you'd think I'd have mastered self-control by now.

2010-01-28T12:39:00.000-08:00

I am not a very religious person. This is a statement that really shouldn’t surprise much of anyone, but I thought it was necessary to state because where I’m going with this post is going to verge on ideas I’ve grown up with, being raised catholic.

I’ve been feeling like shit for months- overworked, under motivated, and generally as if most of what I’m filling my time with is worthless- as if I’m wasting myself. So I began to try and recall the time in my life when I felt most successful, healthy, happy. I landed in my junior year of high school, sometime after my birthday up to about a month before the end of the school year. Anyone familiar with both school calendars and catholic calendars will be able to identify this time as lent.

While there are many parts of Catholicism that make no sense to me whatsoever, I’ve recently understood Lent in a way I never did growing up. For years I thought of it as ridiculous- what did God care if you stopped eating chocolate until Easter? Even my shaky theology now is sufficient to say that he doesn’t. But there’s something to it, this idea of “giving something up.”

There’s something about depriving yourself of something unnecessary that makes you feel really amazing, especially if it’s something you’ve begun to depend on too much. My mom usually gives up chocolate or soda, and while that may seem frivolous to you, I get it. The chemicals in these things are emotional satisfiers for her- a kind of self-medication that sometimes gets out of hand. Forcing yourself to abstain from something that has become a chemical or emotional dependence for you is empowering.

Like your body, your self-control has to be exercised every once in a while to keep working at all. I find it interesting that a religion that goes very far to allow for confession and absolution to make up for loss of self-control also includes a specific time of the year where we must exercise our self control, where the community holds you responsible for a promise you’ve made (in their hearts ‘to god’ but in my heart) to yourself to exercise your self control.

Even non-Catholics do this. We diet. We ‘cut back’ on drinking. We make New Years Resolutions to stop doing whatever bad behavior we’ve decided is worth taking a long look at, worth trying out the absence of. What lent gives us that New Year’s Resolutions and diets don’t is a time limit. If you’re on a diet to lose 20 pounds you might be on it for 10 weeks or 10 months. But lent is 40 days. At the end of 40 days without something you can be pretty sure to have some perspective. How hard was it to give up? How good do you feel without it? It might just make you appreciate it all the more.

The year I mentioned earlier, my junior year? I gave up red meat. A beef roast never in my life tasted as good as it did on Easter that year. Nothing to do with the holiday, just an affirmation of the old adage, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” And if it doesn’t, it probably means that it’s something you didn’t really need after all. And knowing you don’t need it is half the empowerment gained from self-control.

Whether you’re catholic or jewish or a witch or an atheist, I encourage you to think about what in your life you could go without for 40 days. Something challenging but not life-threatening. Like giving up candy, or fast food, or any little indulgence you think might be getting out of hand. Don’t call it lent if you’re not catholic… call it a “self-control experiment.”

So what am I giving up?

I’ve been struggling for a while with spending too much time playing video games, namely WoW. I don’t want to throw around the term “addiction” because I don’t think it is, but it is a time sink that has become a little too much for me. I checked out when my current subscription would end, thinking I’d keep playing until that came up and then I’d take a serious break. I can renew my account at any time, and until then see what I’d be doing with all that glorious time I’m currently spending on the game. When I checked my subscription end date, it was February 17th.

February 17th, which is also Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. I don’t believe in signs, or providence, or fate… but that seems like some pretty perfect timing to me.

A Poetic License Never Expires

2010-01-23T16:29:00.000-08:00

I have this theory- well, it’s more of a belief. We go through our lives trying to define ourselves. Maybe in words, but mostly in actions. Think about the last time you signed up for a social media site like Myspace, Facebook, ect. You had to fill out a section of space about yourself, about your interests. How did you go about filling it out?

I’ve read through a lot of profiles and most people tend to define themselves with a few vague adjectives and then a long list of “interests.” For example, my interests are theatre, literature, education, and if the site is less formal I’ll include my relatively recent interests in video games and web comics.

What I want to talk about right now is the things I never mention. The things that once were a big part of my self-identification that are now outdated hobbies. Like art. When I was younger I wanted to be an artist until I realized that I was awful at drawing. Then I discovered Photoshop and spent several years thinking I’d go to college for graphic design. Only four years ago I counted my three biggest interests as theatre, education, and graphic design. Based on my college schedule it’s obvious that education and theatre won.

Graphic design is still there for me. Every once and a while I’ll see an ad looking for a designer or an artistic submission and my heart aches a little knowing that if I’d made different choices I’d be there with enough education and experience to be good enough. I use my skills sometimes, too. For the past three years I’ve worked on the program for my high school theatre’s musical. It’s mostly ad work, but there’s something really special bout taking a couple baby pictures and kind word’s from a kid’s family and turning it into an ad to support them in the program. Not as artistic as the stuff I’d make for myself, but it warms my heart.

I think about these things sometimes. How if we won the lottery and I didn’t have to think about job security I might spend a few extra years in college just to dabble in graphic design, learn how to really polish the one thing I can really say I was never taught- something I taught myself and just had a knack for. Maybe I’d work on my photography or drawing skills.

What’s most poignant for me today is the fact that these things never go away. As much as I’ve suffocated my art it pops up every once in a while in the form of an irresistible desire to make LiveJournal icons or a header for a friend’s website. There are other skills that occasionally try to assert themselves- I haven’t sung in any venue but karaoke since high school, but every now and again I’ll see some choir recruiting and just wonder. There are also the things that I’ve gained over the years- poetry is one, and it’s making a mark in my life that I’ll have to describe at another time.

I guess the whole point is, the art is in me. Whether I’m called to draw, sing, paint or write a poem, it’s there. I’ve spent nearly 20 years struggling to find a medium for the words swirling around in my head. I’ve been moving around looking for a way to put things down, to express myself. And it doesn’t matter whether it makes it into my poetry, or my blog, or my about me section ever.

I am an artform. So are you.

If Teaching doesn't work out, I'd like to write book reviews...

2010-01-18T03:11:00.001-08:00

It’s been a while since I’ve shared my revelations with the internet. Rest assured, it’s not because I haven’t had any. If anything, I’m more voracious than ever in terms of the material I’m chomping down on.

In two weeks, I’ve read three books, all by the same author. After reading Ishmael and Story of B last semester, I opened my year with a trip to the public library, where I checked out everything they have to offer by Quinn. Adding My Ishmael and Providence to my list of partially digested (mentally!) works, last night I curled up with After Dachau. At 4:30 this morning I’ve just finished it. It’s been years since I’ve devoured a book in one setting, and I wish I could say that this time it was because the book was so good. Quite the opposite.

Compared to the previous Quinn novels I’ve read, After Dachau is a supreme let down. What makes Quinn’s other works so irresistible is his ability to package challenging, paradigm-shattering revelatory philosophy in the structure of a cogent, evocative story. With Story of B, I felt he wavered marginally in this regard, getting caught in the story and neglecting his purpose. But if Story of B is a marginal misstep, After Dachau is an embarrassing tumble. The lesson of After Dachau is entirely incomprehensible by the story- While the exposition is handled flawlessly and the Shyamalan-esque twist is performed masterfully by Quinn, shortly after this reveal the plot spins out of control, leaving the intrigued reader high and dry.

This is not to say that After Dachau’s philosophy falls flat- rather, the story ultimately overtakes the philosophy, so that the potential of the novel is undermined by plot holes, an issue not found in Quinn’s other works because the story was always a vehicle for Quinn’s Purpose. In After Dachau, the story is in the driver’s seat, and the Purpose is left far behind. Readers of Quinn’s novels and Providence will be aware that many of his ideas have formed over the course of his lifetime, arriving in their current written form finally chiseled and distilled for full effect. Unfortunately, After Dachau is an evolved idea that Quinn presents as a whole novel which he more concisely explained in a previous work- in my opinion to greater effect.

Regarding Ishmael: Not since Jeffery Eugenides’ Middlesex have I desperately handed copies of a book to everyone I know in the hopes that the book would enact an understanding in them the way it did in me. For a number of months now I have been struggling with what I’ve taken from Ishmael and its sequels. I’m in a mindset now to say that I cannot recommend any book more vehemently than I do Ishmael. For me, the natural reaction to Ishmael is to continue along the path through Quinn’s other works. Upon completing each of Quinn's novels I have felt a distinct feeling of panic, as if I have been deposited in the wilderness and left to find my own way home. With the Ishmael books this panic was somehow empowering, but with After Dachau there is no panic, just a feeling of inexplicable angst, like an unresolved chord.

Unfortunately for me, After Dachau was a misstep, not for the story it attempted to tell, but ultimately because the “lesson” was hijacked by a plot that started strong, ended weak, and resisted all attempts at achieving Quinn’s signature “oomph!”

Rare, Less than 1 in 1000

2009-12-03T00:48:00.000-08:00

The computer I'm typing this on is not mine, it's the office computer. The one that prints. The one that is used for everyone's school projects. Often, when I turn it on to work on something, someone has left open their work. If it looks interesting I read it. Today I found a lovely piece my mother wrote about when I gave birth to Sylvia.

I don't remember much about giving birth for two reasons: a) I have a horrible memory, and b) I nearly died, poisoned by the anesthesiologist. It's not something I've shared extensively because I never understood it, I couldn't explain what had happened. But my mom also left oven the wikipedia page on the dancers of Epidurals, where she had gone to get the medical terminology.

I've never looked it up to see how rare it is, or what might have happened differently. But there it was. I might not go looking for certain information, but I will never ignore it if it's staring me in the face.So here it is. This is what happened to me.

Catheter misplaced into the subarachnoid space (rare, less than 1 in 1000). If the catheter is accidentally misplaced into the subarachnoid space (e.g. after an unrecognized accidental dural puncture), normally cerebrospinal fluid can be freely aspirated from the catheter (which would usually prompt the anesthetist to withdraw the catheter and re-site it elsewhere). If, however, this is not recognized, large doses of anesthetic may be delivered directly into the cerebrospinal fluid. This may result in a high block, or, more rarely, a total spinal, where anesthetic is delivered directly to the brainstem, causing unconsciousness and sometimes seizures.

They gave me a total spinal. That doesn't sound like a fun thing, does it? I was unconscious for about 2 hours while I was in labor. At least I didn't get any seizures.

Compassion: Market Price

2009-10-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

I want to talk briefly about compassion. How some people have it when you don’t expect them to, like professors who you expect to be rigid about deadlines smiling and saying that illness is an acceptable excuse for turning in your midterm two days late. Or like people who don’t have it who you expect to, like the people in your small group at church who have no problem saying in front of a room full of “good Christian people” that they have a hard time having compassion for people with AIDS because of the behavior associated with it.

Compassion makes people worth spending time with. It makes institutions worth attending. That professor’s school: I feel secure in my potential here. That church: I haven’t returned since that day. Compassion is like an emotional Morse code that everyone knows. Some people choose not to use it, but when someone is speaking to you in that language of compassion, you know automatically. It’s physical, verbal, and emotional all at once. The body language, the tone, the eyes all tell you “I am going to do everything I can to make you feel safe.” Or not.

Remember that whether you’re a preacher, a teacher, a maid or a senator- everyone you meet can feel your level of compassion. And if you don’t have it you’ll be losing money, votes, fans.. you name it. Whatever you want from people if they read your compassion code and know that you don’t care about helping them, or at least making an effort to understand them- it’s over. You’ve lost them. And it’s harder to regain after you’ve lost it than it would have been if you’d shown them compassion from the start.

If you’re representing a business, a cause, or a political agenda you must communicate at every level to every person that you interact with that you want their experience with you to be positive. How many times have you stopped going to a restaurant because of bad service? How many times have you gotten a gut feeling that a politician is even more slimy than the rest? How many times have you not gone back to a club, a class, or a church because you didn’t feel welcome? Because you didn’t feel like the people cared?

It’s all about compassion. The quality of every relationship small or big you have will rest on compassion- both ways.

Daniel Quinn and The Teaching of History

2009-10-07T08:54:00.001-07:00

Last Sunday Joshua took me to a movie and then let me play around in Half Price Books for two hours. I came home with several fabulous finds, including a copy of The Story of B by Daniel Quinn. Quinn has been highly recommended by several people I adore such as Pace Smith and Taylor Muse. So of all my purchases, I decided to start with that. Here are some thoughts on my reading so far:

I’m a little annoyed with the ambiguity of whether you’re supposed to read the sections in the back as you go or all at the end. The Asterisks claim that the lectures “will” be found on page “#” but that does not directly tell you to wait or to read now. I decided at first to wait, because why would it be at the back if you weren’t supposed to read it first. But then the characters in their elenchus (a style of philosophic writing I love by the way) began to discuss things I didn’t understand to I went back and read the stuff at the end of the book.

Story wise I’m on page 91, but teaching wise I’m only a few pages in, the ‘agricultural revolution’ is being torn to little pieces and demonized. I know I am not a history major, nor am I a history minor.. but I am a literature major and so I have some serious thoughts on history and literacy.

Quinn’s characters make the claim that the use of terms like pre-history and agricultural revolution are meant to make non-civilized human seem unimportant. I disagree. I believe that these terms are used and these periods are less examined because there is simply no record of the times- everything we know of them comes from paleontological observation of long buried bones. And I’m pretty sure any forensic investigator will tell you that the longer a body goes unexamined and the more compromised the crime scene, the less evidence can be uncovered.

The fact is, we don’t talk much about pre-history because we don’t know much about it. I had the benefit of teachers that thought this time was important, who did stress the fact that we’re still searching for lost answers- who brought in magazine clips of “new” finds. So the way Quinn talks about the education of history is very offensive to me.

But then I stopped and thought about it.

That’s my experience. I was lucky- when I was young I was recognized as a student of high intelligence and was shoved head first into the advanced classes of nearly everything. This is not the case for everyone.

Recently I spoke with a high school principal about whether I should take a second teaching field in history so that I could teach it and he flat out told me that most history teachers in high school are coaches, they major in history so they can teach at the school but really they’re coaches- so most of the history positions go to people in that situation.

I wanted to shake him.

No wonder you get a shit education in history if you aren’t in AP. No wonder they constantly come up with statistics that say half of Americans can’t find North America on a map of North America.. This is the problem, people. Right there. Open your fucking eyes. Get real teachers in there or you have helped to create the system of shortchanging the students who happen to not fit into your excellence scheme.

As a future educator, I am ashamed. First, why are you letting coaches teach history if they don’t actually give a shit about it. Second, why are you discouraging young people who actually want to instill a real knowledge of history into their students?

I don’t agree with a lot of what Quinn says about history.. but I do agree that a lot of history is mistaught. So I guess that’s a middle ground.

Unchange the World

2009-10-05T08:33:00.000-07:00

I didn’t enter the Change the World in One Minute Contest that Kyeli and Pace ran on their website, FreakRevolution.com. There were two major reasons. In Pace’s post this morning asking why very few people entered, I gave her my two reasons:

a) School started and I’m super flaky to anything that isn’t school.
b) I didn’t think you’d like what I had to say.

I don’t think reason a needs much explanation. I am taking 18 hours at St. Edwards university this semester and my brain, while extra wrinkly as a result, is currently also the consistency of cottage cheese with special swiss-like pockets. You get the picture.

The second reason, however, I know Pace is going to call me out on, so I suppose I’ll get to explaining myself right away. If I had entered the contest- which I didn’t- this is probably what I would have said.

~~~

I don’t think you’ll like what I have to say. This contest is about what I’m doing to change the world. You won’t like what I’m going to say because what I am doing to change the world is nothing. I am doing nothing to change the world.

It’s not because I’m lazy. It’s not because I think the world is perfect. It’s because I think that over the course of human history very few people have changed the world and done a very good job of it. Plus, I’m not that ambitious. I’m not an atom bomb and I’d like to keep it that way. I’m more like that butterfly flapping its wings and starting a hurricane only I know better.

If anything, I want to unchange the world. I don’t imagine a world where people suddenly stop trying to conquer their enemies, or where religious diversity incites disaster instead of harmony. I don’t know how those problems can be fixed because the underlying problem is people want it that way. People want control. People want violence. I don’t understand it. I don’t want it. But no matter how good a salesman you are, you could not sell me a pickle and mustard sandwich. I would never buy it. And there are people out there- violent people who want to be tyrants. They dream of it. How do you sell them connection and harmony when all they want is blood and whores?

You can’t. Well, maybe you can. I can’t. I’m not made for that kind of struggle. I’m made to make little changes in the lives of people who deserve a better reality. I can’t change international war, but I can give a hug to a classmate having a bad day. I can send letters to friends letting them know that I miss them and hope that it brightens their day. I can learn about literature and history and art and I can teach those things to people- I can help children grow through experiencing books.

The world’s been changed enough and I know enough about science to know that if we stopped cutting the earth down it would grow right over our concrete and reclaim itself. I’m not going to convince greedy men to stop cutting down trees to make subdivisions but what I can do- what I am doing- is looking at the small picture. Not even my country, but my community. Because the world doesn’t need to be changed- we do.

I don’t always agree with my friends on their tactics, so I stay pretty quiet. The truth is that I believe in public school- I think it’s important as hell. I’m not very religious myself but I recognize that some people- lots of people- truly need their religion to get through the day, to have faith that their life isn’t meaningless. And I enjoy television, movies, theatre. I enjoy storytelling no matter where it is. I’m not an entrepreneur- and I have no desire to be.

I’m also not that revolutionary. It’s not because I don’t think you should be. Not at all. The world needs revolutionaries. The world needs people to keep it in check- to make sure we realize when humanity is going in the kind of direction that points towards the atom bomb, the electric chair, or McCarthyism. But the world also needs people who spend their lives living in the world- who are quiet and introspective. My kind of change has nothing to do with government, with money, or with taking things away from people- even bad things from bad people. I’m no enforcer.

I once wrote: We must be certain that our voices sing the praise of the better world, and our fingers point the way, and not the blame. That’s how I live my life, or at least how I try to. I am not going to change the world. I’m going to change me. I’m going to become a good example for my daughter- for my students. Maybe I’m not perfect, but I think at least I can be that. Not to change the world, but to live in it.

~~~

Maybe some time I'll expand on what I mean by Unchanging the world. It's a deeper concept than I wrote here, and I probably left it a little unclear. This is just the beginning. I don't want to argue- this is not meant to argue against anyone else's world view- it is merely a defense of my decision to live a quiet life. I do wish to improve myself- and I have been doing a lot of quiet self work these days. But the truth is that while my view of teaching is that it is an avenue to encourage future revolutionaries to think critically and develop moral reasoning, I know that I am not fit for the battlefeild.

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Margin

2009-08-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

What do you need to feel safe? How do you make yourself safe?

Would you stand on the edge of a cliff if you were afraid of falling? Would you go to the edge every day, knowing what would happen if you went an inch too far? If you build a railing to keep yourself away from the edge, to protect yourself from getting too close, would you cross it? You wouldn't do it with your life, so why would you do it with your money?

I've been attending church for the past few weeks, and while I'm not going to get into the biblical aspects of the message, I want to share the effect it had on me. They've had a series the past few weeks called "Margins." Margin is defined as the space between your current activity and your limits. They've applied the idea of margin to time management, ethical behavior, and this week: money.

I can identify with the struggle to put distance between yourself and your limits. My mom lost her job at the beginning of this summer, and we've been living on a tighter budget ever since. I've done my best not to worry about it though. There's money in the bank, and Joshua's job isn't ideal but it is reliable.

But when Joshua walked into our bedroom Sunday morning with an ad for a laptop at Walmart that was as good as mine (we paid $1000 for mine a couple years back when the market was less desperate) for $400. I told him that making a purchase like that scared me, because we only have so much money, and I didn't know how to feel safe about money. Then we went to church without making a decision, and lo and behold, the message was about how to live with financial margin. Perfect timing.

We shouldn't have to worry about money. If you think about it, the more you have the more you have to lose. The more money your job makes, the more competitive your position is. The more money you make, the more stress money creates. Seems like it would be the other way around, and I think at a certain point it is. If you don't make enough money to survive you're not secure. If you're in deep debt because you're living on more money than you make, then you're not secure. But if you're making a million dollars a year and spending a million dollars a year, then you're not secure, either.

It's all about the buffer zone. If you're using every penny you make, when an emergency happens you have to rush to cover your ass. But if you have a buffer zone - an emergency fund - a margin - call it what you want, if you leave little wiggle room you won't end up in a tight spot. So Joshua and I had a long talk about what it takes for me to feel safe about money. For me, that's Living Expenses + Commitments +$1,000. If I have $1,000 in savings and have all my bills paid for, the rest is just icing. If I feel safe, I'm not going to freak out over a small or even a large purchase. That surprise car repair is no big deal. If I feel safe I don't start fights with my beautiful Joshua when he makes a purchase that threatens my sense of security. So Joshua got himself a laptop. And I feel safe. Everyone wins.

How much money do you need to feel safe? Think about it.

Why I Go To Church (Even though I'm a filthy sinner)

2009-08-16T03:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not good at making new friends. It's not a skill I possess. As a student it was easy to find people to hang out. You're in English? I'm in English, too! Let's have lunch together! But even now, in college, it's harder. Most college students don't have babies or spouses, and those that do are generally a few years older than me, and their lives are already too full balancing family and school to need me. So I'm alone.

My mother once told me that it's harder to make friends as an adult because you can only meet people at work, at church, or in bars. Which for us means there aren't a lot of places to meet people like us. I don't work, and I have nothing in common with people at bars. Namely because unless there's karaoke I don't want to be in a bar. And even then, I'm not too happy about the karaoke being in a bar. So that leaves Church.

I quit going to church in middle school when I was first coping with the reality that I was definitely bi- and probably just a big fat lesbian. I knew I liked girls and only rarely liked boys. I knew pictures of muscle-y men turned me off, and that probably meant I was gay. I've since made peace with the fact that I like some girls, and have fallen in love with the least macho guy ever. But at the time I was sure it was a huge problem. I "knew" that Christians hated gays, and thought they were going to hell. I "knew" that the only reason to go to church was to save yourself from hell. So I figured, why bother? They're going to hate me anyway.

I remember when I was first dating Joshua and he brought me to his church- not to the service but to the college-age youth group. They'd sing songs for about 15 minutes and then sit around a circle where a guy would discuss a bible passage and what it meant to people living in the 21st century. How to apply it, how to make meaning out of it. And even when I disagreed, I was interested. I like disagreeing. I like debating. And after the bible study everyone would go out for burgers. And I thought "I could get into this." I don't necessarily agree with them about God or the Bible, but I liked burgers.

I fell out of the habit after Sylvia was born- I was afraid they would judge me terribly for being pregnant. They were, after all, Christians. And in my head I defined Christians as judgmental. But a month or so ago when my mom lost her job I was hurting. I had no one to talk to that wasn't living through the same problems I was. No one with perspective. No one who could understand my worry for my marriage and my child. No one who had any reason to believe it would get better. So I went to church. I went to the Young Family's group, a group filled with young couples who are worried about their marriages and their children, who have faith that it will all get better.

Maybe it's petty, but it helps. I don't feel so alone.

Those Who Fight Monsters

2009-08-14T05:00:00.000-07:00

Tuesday my grandmother and I went to cause a ruckus at our senator's office down in Austin. We made a day of it, but the most important stop was to John Cornyn's offices. We talked to a very polite republican about Health Care, and she heard us out, took our names and some notes, smiled and sent us on our way. In the elevator we met a few others who were there for the same reason: liberals there to cause a pro-healthcare reform scene. I joked the other day on twitter about "harassing my senator." Really, we were polite and calm while explaining why we thought the republicans were all idiots. Really though, we were well behaved. I get the feeling that a lot of the people there on our side were not polite, though. And that got me thinking.

I worry sometimes that people who work for the rights of one group so alienate the people outside of that group that they become as discriminatory as the people they supposedly work against.

We have to keep in mind the fact that not everyone who is on the other side is a monster. My heart hurts when I see people whom I respect on one side of an issue become as oppressive and discriminatory as those they oppose. Protecting the rights of a minority is of huge importance to me, and I think it is a proper priority for our country and our lives. Whether you're protecting a race, a gender, an orientation or a lifestyle I think you're doing good work. But as Nietzsche once said, "Those who fight monsters should take care that they never become one."

We're becoming monsters. We're characterizing the other side as mindless freaks or slaves to conformity- we're accusing them of the same horrors they have persecuted us for. Maybe they deserve it. Maybe the extremists on the other side are just as bad as they think we are. But when we monsterize them, when we dehumanize them to make them seem like a big bad ultimate evil what do we lose? The moderates.

I'm a moderate. I'm a normal who loves freaks, but I'm a little freaky and I love normals. I see so many beautiful things on both sides but I also see lot of hate. But as time goes on and the good work continues, I'm starting to see more hate on the side I support. I don't know how to tell them that they sound less revolutionary and more hateful. We criticize those lunatics in town hall meetings raving against health care reform- I don't know how to say that when you yell for it I can barely tell the difference.

We must be certain that our voices sing the praise of the better world, and our fingers point the way, and not the blame.

Review Review.

2009-08-13T03:16:00.000-07:00

For easier reading of my review of Quiet Company's Everyone You Love Will Be Happy Soon, I've created this post just to provide a best link-to place.

Please enjoy this lyric-focused review of Everyone You Love Will Be Happy Soon.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Thankyou. :)

Review of Everyone You Love Will Be Happy Soon Part 3 of 3

2009-08-11T05:08:00.000-07:00

Continued from Part 2 posted on the 9th.

On Husbands & Wives continues what Nation of Two started. A beautiful song about love that gives some of the best advice on love you can give: "Love is less what you say and more what you do." I think a lot of people talk the love talk before they're ready to walk the love walk. It's clear that Muse takes his love, his wedding vows very seriously. The examination that Muse gives us of love, of his love, is a beautiful gift. I feel incredibly lucky to find myself identifying with it.

With How To Fake Like You Are Nice and Caring, however, Muse shows a darker side. As a follower of his blog here on blogspot I'm very familiar with his spiritual journey out of christianity. This song, of all on the album seems to reflect that journey. I have to admit, this is probably my least favorite song on the album. There's one of those "dissenting into noise" rifts before a melody change in the middle of the songs, and while the harmonies are beautiful, I think there's a painfulness that inhabits the song that I don't quite understand. I never skip it, though. To say it's my least favorite does not mean I don't like it; it's simply less personal to me. "Is it such a sin to want to save our skin from the mess we've made that we made in faith?"

When I Am Empty Please Dispose of Me Properly is a beautiful instrumental interlude that while having no lyrics, speaks volumes to me. This is one of those pieces of music that belongs on a movie soundtrack. As a lead in to On Modern Men it is expressive and perfect. The latter song is probably one of the best songs the band does live. The song starts of slow and somber. It could almost be a prayer for a dying humanity to find a way. Then after nearly two minutes the tone changes, the tempo picks up, and there is transformation. The last time I saw Quiet Company in Concert the Rocket Boys joined them on stage to sing the chorus: "We have crawled from the water to the dry land and our hands are the dirtiest." Unfortunately I am incapable of describing properly the theatrical impact of the performance, or even of the continued impact on me every time I hear this song now. When I think of brotherhood- of human oneness, this is the theme song. "And they want you to take a bow. Everybody here's allowed one. So make it good, son."

The album is concluded with Congratulations April and Lucas, which is almost an Epitaph for the album. The tone and tempo are subdued, and the sound is slightly different from the rest of the album, with some electronic-muting sounds that I can't place. But the lyrics are totally in place: "I'm gonna count my bessings, I'm gonna count my sacred things, like the baby I caught smiling at me, or how my lady loves me effortlessly." If only we all had this in our hearts and never forgot it. As much as I see Taylor Muse in his blog struggle with the complexities of faith and righteous living in an unrighteous world, there is a calmness in this piece that I think everyone can relate to. Sometimes life is hard, but we must step back and take count of the beauty around us. Someone who three songs before was singing "I wish you'd climb down off that cross and burn it, if it's not doing any good we could use the wood" turns here to sing "Oh there must be a God somewhere in the universe, maybe looking after me."

I do not know the four men that make up Quiet Company personally, but I've found such solace and peace in their music that I cannot help but be grateful to them and to their art. Everyone You Love Will Be Happy Soon is the most important album in my life since Missy Higgins' Sound of White found me in 2005. You can listen to it online at http://quietcompany.bandcamp.com or you can just buy it at http://www.quietcompanymusic.com/store/. They can be followed on Twitter and play frequently in and around Austin, TX.

Check them out, I beg you. You'll thank me. This album changed my life in a totally non-hyperbolic way.

Review of Everyone You Love Will Be Happy Soon part 2 of 3

2009-08-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

Continued from Part 1 posted on the 7th.

Seal My Fate is another song about being in love. It starts with the image of a photograph "that our kids will look back on and laugh and they won't believe that we ever were young" but that life is hard now. "I'm so out of it but I know I'll get used to it 'cause everybody does." Even in this tired view of current hardship the band joins in to sing "Come on, the sun is up now and we want it all."

The Beginning of Everything at the End of the World. I don't know what to say about this song other than the fact that it is perfect. It will have it's own blog in the next couple of days. I'll keep you posted. Let's just say for the sake of this post that this song is great and you just need to hear it. Red & Gold is one of the few Quiet Company songs that starts out soft and slow and stays that way. I've said before that I think Quiet Company songs belong in movies. This is the kind of song that I mean. It's very low-key but beautiful. "Take your time discussing all your needs; cause every road will end up at the sea. So you can spend your days on your hands and knees. By evening time I hope you've found some peace."

My New Year's Resolution Is to Cope with My Mortality. "And maybe life is like the autumn trees and I'm just one of many very mortal leaves, just praying to the fates that we survive the freeze." This is just one of the many philosophies on life that Muse offers in this album that I think are great ways to live. This album seems to be a way for Muse to come to terms with things like God, love, and death. "No one really can explain the rest/ what's gonna happen to us when we die/ can it really be the same for everybody?"

There are two songs on this album titled "Congratulations ___ &___" The first is Congratulations Seth and Kara. I've heard this song over a hundred times and still cry 2 out of 3 times I listen to it. It's basically a love song for his brother. "You carried me up when the mountains were steep, and you lifted me up when the waters were deep, so I'll do what I can to be the brother you need, and thank you Seth for being a brother to me." This is one of those songs that's personal and beautiful, another emotional achievement by the band.

Golden (Like the State) makes me incredibly happy. Another song that could not be written without intense love. "All my life I've waited for a love that could not be ignored in good conscience, a love I could ascend to." This song's a little more 'catchy' than most QC songs, and of all their music I think that this is the song that could be the biggest radio hit.

The next song, "Well, the Truth Is" starts out as the darkest of the songs, but about a minute and a half in something changes, the tempo increases and the lyrics speak of shedding these dark parts of ourselves and "let 'em all go tumblin', tumblin'. And here's where the second best piece of advice I can possibly give you comes in. "The truth is that everybody that I love may or may not be happy soon but I wouldn't waste time loving someone else if you don't love yourself."

To be continued on the 11th.

Review of Everyone you Love Will Be Happy Soon part 1 of 3

2009-08-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

Last night I didn't get to go to the Quiet Company show at Antone's. I was pretty upset about it. We don't have a car right now so I'm pretty much at the mercy of the people I'm with. I went to see a production of "R.U.R.: Rossum's Universal Robots" at the Vortex last night and while it was over by 11, when QC would have been playing, my ride wasn't into the idea, so I didn't get to go. This makes me especially sad 'cause I missed a show last Thursday because I had the Flu.

I care a lot about going to see Quiet Company when I can because I think they're a lot better than most of the bands you hear on the radio and see on T.V. and they need the support. They need people to show up at their shows wearing t-shirts with their name on it. They need fans and support so I feel a little like I'm required to be that for them. Why do I feel so strongly about them? Well, it's because their music rocks.

I fell in love with the band a couple years back when they opened for Eisley at the Parish Room. Quiet Company had a very unique sound and was memorable because the Singer/Guitarist/Keyboardist looked like he was having some kind of episode on stage. I have since said that "When Taylor Muse sings it's like he has something to tell you that's so important he might die. Or Explode." On stage he is explosive, even at the most recent show we attended at Emo's, he claimed to have no voice and even apologized to me for a show I thought was amazing anyway.

So I've decided to write a review of their latest album, Everyone you Love Will Be Happy Soon. This isn't a music blog, nor am I a music critic. I'm just a person who's touched by a song. Well, several songs. I love Quiet Company's music but the reason I'm a fan is the Lyrics. This album could have easily been called "the best advice I can possibly give you." This is the album that I listen to in times of crisis to help me find my way. This post will be presented in three parts because it’s just that damn long.

The album starts, appropriately with a chord on a piano, somewhat staccato, as if the piano is being banged on. Muse joins in with a beautiful story about traveling the world looking for companionship. The refrain of Nation of Two contains what is, in my opinion, the best advice ever given. In fact, since hearing the song I have given this advice to several friends. "I found if you really wanna love somebody it will cost you more than you have, I can guarantee you that." At this point the music really joins in and it's magical. Instruments join in slowly. The 'Quiet Company Sound" doesn't fully start until the second refrain. In that way the Album warms you up so that you're ready for it. A beat established with a piano, a voice that is textured with the weight of the importance of its message, then triangles, then an instrument I cannot place, and then the full band. The only problem I have with this song is the end. I absolutely hate when any song uses the "peaceful sounds degenerate into a cacophony of noise" trick. Any song that ends like that I keep my hand on the "next song" button so I don't have to hear it.

It especially annoys me here because "It's Better to Spend Money Like There's No Tomorrow Than to Spend Tonight Like There's No Money" is my favorite song. No really, of all of the songs I've heard in my life it is my favorite song. Best advice in this song: "You better stop and smell the roses, you better love the life you live. And you better take note of when it's killing you. We all end up in a cemetery." This message is prevalent in our culture
: Seize the day, live life to the fullest. But the phrasing here is most perfect. It's quite possibly the most cheerful song about dying I've ever heard. "When your heart's full of dancing, you better dance 'til you're dead." What better advice is there on how to live your life?

Our Sun is Always Rising gives me chills. The song opens slow, and then has moments of intense piano before calming again for another verse. One of the most awesome things about Taylor Muse is the love he has for his wife, Leah. I say this because I've met him, seen him in concerts, and because I read his blog. But mostly, I've listened to his music. This is music that could not be written by someone who wasn't in love. And when you listen to this song you feel that love.

To Be continued on the 9th.

Notes from a semi-average existence

2009-08-05T17:29:00.000-07:00

I wanna talk to you today about something that bothers me a lot. I have a lot of wonderful friends who want to change the world. When they talk to me about changing the world I smile and nod, but I don't really have anything else to say because I don't think the world needs saving. And even if I did, I think they're doing it wrong, because what they see as being wrong with the world isn't fixable.

It's because the problems they have with the world involve making other people change what they're doing. Now, some people want this change, and if they can help these people become happier in themselves, then it's a great service they're providing. But some people don't want that, and I wonder how my friends feel about them. One talks a lot about how she hates people who just accept their life the way it is. I'm not sure why because I think that's a kind of contentment that 's necessary.

There are a lot of people in this world who are unhappy with their jobs/lives/families. But just as many people are actually pretty happy with it. And I'm including he people who work at WalMart, or Kinkos, or that hair salon. You might walk through WalMart and glance at the people in blue vests and think to yourself "How can these people possibly be happy with their lives!?" But who are you to determine what they want out of life?

There's a guy working in the pets department who's passion is video games. His friends all live in their parent's houses and don't have jobs and smoke pot. They all play video games together non-stop and his friends make fun of him for having a job and not having the hours to put in on their games. But he just laughs because he knows that his job allows him to live in an apartment with roommates, and gives him the time to do what he really wants to do: play his games. Maybe you're looking down on him for his ideal but that's what he wants and he has it. His job doesn't interfere with his hobby.

Or there's the girl in the hair salon. You go in to get your hair cut at some chain store- you know she's not an owner of her own place, she's just a hairdresser. And you think to yourself "How can she be happy working for someone else? Why doesn't she open her own salon!?" But if you knew her you'd be damn proud of her. She graduated high school and was forced by her parents to go to community college because they were ashamed she wasn't going to "real college." Her parents tried to force her into getting an associates degree in finance. What did she want? She wanted to cut hair. She already did hair cuts and dye jobs for all of her friends, and never was she happier. She got a job working as a receptionist in a hair salon and just knew that's what she wanted to do. She wanted to help make people pretty. So she defied her parents and goes in for cosmetology. They cut her off so she puts herself through whatever classes she needs to take. And now she has her dream job. Owning her own salon would mean business and that's not what she likes. She likes chatting with customers while she changes their look. You might look down on her, but she's happy.

Sure, there are tons of people in the world unhappy with their positions, or working for new ones. But lots of people are satisfied with what they have and what they are. If someone's happy with a simple life, who are we to say that they aren't living their life right? I don't have a problem with helping people who need it. But when you criticize someone for not having enough ambition you're judging their lives when you haven't lived it. Just because working for someone else wouldn't make you happy, doesn't mean there aren't people who are satisfied with that life.

Don't be so afraid of being average that you're afraid of average people.

Many of these comics are NSFW, but this post is.

2009-08-03T00:31:00.000-07:00

It all started with Tasty Flesh (nsfw). You see, Martin Whitmore, artist and creator of Tasty Flesh was living with us at the time, and because he was awesome I became a diligent follower. I was never really into comics that didn't appear in my local newspaper before. I associated comics exclusively with super heroes. I'm not a fan of super heroes. But with Tasty Flesh I became aware that Comics could be a lot more. This was art that tells a story, and I'm a sucker for stories. And art.

In High School I had actually been a fan of Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal which is different from most of the comics I read now in that while it is wildly inappropriate and funny, there's no continued storyline. SMBC is the kind of comic that regularly horrifies and delights at the same time.

Next came Girls With Slingshots which is a totally different kind of WebComic in that there are no Zombies. I became hooked on this one because it runs a lot like a really good TV sitcom. The characters are well defined, there are sad-stories and funny-stories, and the characters are all more witty than most people in real life. The main character, Hazel, is easy to identify with, and the art is pretty awesome.

Next came You'll Have That which is now running a new comic called Myron and Charlie. You'll have that was a comedy about a young married couple, and was awesome in that like most good art and fiction, I saw a great deal of myself in Andy and Katie. This was one of many Archive reads, where I came to the comic as it was officially ending, and I simply read through the archives in about a week. It was great comic, and I wish Wes Molebash luck with Myron and Charlie.

Next came Penny and Aggie which is sort of like a guilty pleasure. It's about a bunch of high school girls and how mean they are to each other. It takes a while to get on its feet: it starts out really cheesy and hokey, and it turns out the strip was originally for newspaper comics, but after wading through about 120 issues they go from Newsprint-like Comic to Manga -like Comic, and the change was very beneficial. The first 120 help you get into the characters, but the story gets good around Uptown Girl (124), and by Behind Closed Doors (350) the comic has shed any and all comparabilities to Luann in the daily paper. By Dinner For Six (417) all the great high jinks you need in a story revolving around teenagers have arrived on the scene. The sex, the confusion, the secrets! It's a great story and if you've made it this far you're in for a treat: from Vertigo to 20 2020 Pennies is one of the coolest teen drama storylines I've seen done. Ever. The story is sufficently heartbreaking and interesting. Somehow T Campbell has managed by this point to give his characters a life and will all their own, mapping out the stupid mistakes and unconsidered consequences of youthful indiscretion perfectly. From this the story moved on to the epic undertaking The Popsicle War, wich finished up early this year. After such successful runs of Vertigo and The Popsicle War, the current storyline is a bit of a letdown. But I have faith that the upswing is coming.

Along with P&A came Menage a 3 and I'm pretty sure from the title you can tell it's not safe for work. It's the guiltiest of guilty pleasures. Considering I started off my Comics obsession with Tasty Flesh, I think I'm in a position to say that Ma3 is one of the sexiest comics on the internet. I've seen some more explicit ones that reallt are basically porn, but Ma3 does have a plot, and the nudity is always either nessicary for telling the story, or really damn funny. This comic is not for the faint of heart, or the very religious.

Next we have We The Robots which is undoubtably one of the best. Unfortunately this one is also over now, and relatively short. But the style, story, and heart of this comic cannot go unmentioned. I think it's honestly my favorite webcomic. It touches my heart so often, and I've re-read the archives about three times just because it is beautiful, and the medium of art is just so unlike anything else I've seen.

Finally we have my most recent obsession: Questionable Content. It's probably the most famous comic I've listed here. It's certainly the most prolific. I read through the entire 1400+ comic archive in about a week. I was totally taken in by the characters, the obscure music references, the mocking of American subcultures, the psychoses of the various characters. Plus, the AnthroPC (Anthropomorphic Computer, yes.) Pintsize totally reminds me of my little brother, Chance. The comic might also be one of the oldest I've mentioned here, and the art has come a long long way, baby. If you don't read it, I implore you to start with update 1, laugh at the art, and enjoy as I did (maybe not as fast as I did) how the art progresses. The story is always there, my friends. The art simply matures to a point where it's on the same level.

So that's it. Those are the comics I read, and the ones I'm sad to see no longer updating.

I'm currently accepting links to awesome webcomics to get into. I hope to make many future Webcomic reviews in the future. I'll keep you posted on what I'm reading next.

Why I'm not freaky enough to be a Freak, or Normal enough to be named Norm

2009-08-01T23:45:00.000-07:00

This all came about as a reaction to a few friends of mine starting this cool thing called the Freak Revolution. You can go to http://freakrevolution.com to learn more about them. I love them - and by them I mean Pace and Kyeli, who started the freak revolution. I came upon them while they were doing The Usual Error, which was very freak-positive, but applied equally to non-freakies and psudo-freakies like myself. Because I loved them, I joined up and signed up for the discussion boards and Google group and the like. I've only posted once, on the introductions page.

So why am I not active in the Freak Revolution? I love the people who started it, and I love some of the more active members. Why don't I speak up more? It's the same reason I don't speak up more in groups of very socially normal people. I'm not like them.

See, the application for the Freak Revolution asked a few simple questions, one of which was "What Flavor of Freak Are You?" I had a very hard time answering this question. Because while I might be a bit of a nerd, I am not a freak. Think about it: I'm a 22 year old woman, I am in a monogamous relationship with a man, and we have one baby. We play video games, I go to college, and my husband works at Wal-Mart. We go to a Christian church on Sundays, eat meat at most meals, watch a lot of television and celebrate most national holidays. I don't have any tattoos, my ears are the only thing on my body pierced, and the most crazy color I've ever had in my hair was a bright red that at the end of the week looked sort of natural anyway.

I'm just not very freaky. I have a freakish sense of humor I guess. I'm freakishly overweight. I like zombie movies and webcomics and D&D and WoW... but that kind of freakitude pales in comparison to the Bi-poly-trans-pagan-geeks that Freak Revolution is made for. My introduction piece basically could have said "The freakiest thing about me is that I love freaks" and been pretty accurate. I do love freaks. My Bi-poly-trans-pagan-geeks are some of the nicest, coolest, most interesting people I've ever met. But if Freak Revolution was meant to give them a place to feel comfortable where they're not in the minority for being freaks, then I'm the one in the minority.

In the Freak Revolution, I am the freak, sticking out like a... well, like a freak.

I have no problem with being a freak. I actually find myself wishing I could be freakier... you know, so I could fit in? But that's not who I am. I think there was a point in my life where I had two options: be a freak, or be a Norm. I had no problem with either path. There's a little freak inside me who whispers in my ear every now and again: Wouldn't dying your hair blue be seriously AWESOME?!? But I don't because I chose a path of being a brown-haired mommy. I'm ok with that. I'm just a little boring. Sometime in the future I might give in, just to get a taste of the freak within. But it hasn't happened yet.

I think the biggest problem I have with the freaks is that they keep asking me what I think is wrong with the world. And I do think there are some wrong things. But really, I think the world's a pretty cool place and the things that are wrong with it have to do with people trying to pretend to be things they aren't. Like people who will do anything to become rich when their most marketable ability is that they're willing to hurt people for money, or people who choose to believe that people who are different aren't worth love, respect, or dignity. I think most if not all of the world's problems wittle down to these at their core.

So I'm going to take a tip from my Freaky Friends and be the change I wish to see in the world.

My name is Green. I am not a Freak, but I am Freak-Positive. I am not willing to hurt people for money, power, or esteem. I think that people who are freaky deserve love, respect, and dignity.

Unfortunately, this makes me different from a good majority of my peers. Hey, I think I just found my freaky-thing.

Interjections! I mean, introductions.

2009-07-29T04:53:00.000-07:00

I have a very bizarre sense of humor. I hope that when you read the title of my blog you were horrified just a little bit. Please send me e-mails telling me what a horrible person and mother I must be. For someone who puts as much stock in other people's opinions as I do, I sure do get a kick out of someone taking offense to what I see as a very clear joke. Of course humans don't eat their young. The picture of my daughter gnawing on her mittens is just icing on the cake, really.

The name for the blog is partially inspired by a webcomic I enjoy, Questionable Content, specifically this episode:
http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1317
I had been trying to name my blog for two days and everything I wanted was taken. I tried for psychosemantic.blogspot so that I could be clever but it was taken. I tried all my old favorites, including bizarre German words and titles of Tony Kushner plays, btu all were taken by blogs not updated since 2004. I was pretty sad about that, but I ended up with MomNomNom which is pretty awesome, I think.

So who am I?

I am a 22 year old mommy and education major at St. Edwards University. I live about an hour north of Austin, TX and my interests include Live Music, Ballroom Dancing, Webcomics, MMORPGs, and making people feel slightly uncomfortable through sarcasm. I'm psudo-married to an awesome guy named Joshua, and a couple years back we created an entity commonly known as Sylvia. She's pretty adorable.

I started this blog because there's something about LiveJournal that sort of turns me off. I've usually blogged there, but have felt less inclined to do so over the last few months. Every now and again I get the urge to blog something and have nowhere to put it. I hope that now I have less of an excuse to do so.

Here are some topics I hope to post about in the future:

Why I'm not freaky enough to be a Freak, or Normal enough to be named Norm
An overview of my recent obsession with Webcomics
A review of Quiet Company's "new" album
My Problems with Christians (but only the creepy kind)
Sylvia and the Yip Yips. (Uh-huh! Uh-huh!)
Why I still have faith in the Public School system, and what that means for healthcare
Zen and the art of ignoring Feng Shui
Incarnations of Immortality: How Peirs Anthony annoyed me into forming an opinion on God

I guess if I can actually get all of these things posted within a month I'll be on the road to actually keeping a damn blog. Wouldn't that be a shocker?